The Lottery Ticket

Today I bought one

The Lottery Ticket

Today I bought one. I went and bought a lottery ticket. I didn’t buy any while we were together. You know why. You thought they were stupid. A waste of money. I don’t think you ever understood. It was just about having hope. I know the odds. I’m not stupid. I think if you thought about it. If you paid attention. You would have known. I knew the odds. You used to know me after all. At least I thought. At least I hope. Maybe I like to remember you that way. I don’t know. Today I bought one.

I had to do something that I couldn't do when we were together. I couldn’t buy them when I was with you. Not after that one time. You know why. You scoffed. You told me the odds. Like I didn’t know them. I knew them. And I knew what you really meant by it. You weren’t telling me the odds. You were telling me something else. You were telling me people that did that were low class. They were stupid. You were telling me that someone with you doesn’t do that. They don’t buy lottery tickets. And neither do you. Today I bought one.

I knew what you meant by it. So I did what I always did. I came up with an answer. An explanation. I had to explain everything. All the time. I told you why I did it. I told you I’d never do it again. Well I didn’t say that part. I didn’t have to. We both knew what you wanted. We both knew I’d comply. That doesn’t matter to me anymore. Today I didn’t have to explain anything. Today I bought one.

I forgot what it was like. To buy one. I might have lost two dollars. But I got something in return. Not money. A chance. Some hope. When I have hope I think about the future. In my mind the future is good. Sorry if it’s bad for you. Sorry if we see things differently. I have a chance. Things could change for me. They won’t for you. Because you would never buy one. Today I bought one.

This was the fun part. This was the part that I missed. I was missing this. I started thinking about what I’d do with the money if I won. There was only one thing I wanted to do with it. I wanted to give it to you. That’s right. I thought about giving it to you. So that you didn’t have to work anymore if you didn’t want to. You could decide what you wanted. You wouldn’t have to prove your worth. You could actually have all of your time. You could own it for once. You wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. You wouldn’t have to answer to yourself. I thought if I could give you enough money you could finally have time. If you finally had time you could be yourself again. I don’t know if you realize how valuable time is. How valuable you are. So maybe that’s why. Today I bought one.

No. That’s a lie. That’s nice on the surface. But that’s as far as it goes. That thought. That idea. It’s just patronizing. The gesture is nice on the surface. Underneath I’m trying to change you. And if that’s the case then it’s just revenge. Because that’s how you’ve made me feel. You were wrong and here’s the proof. I was right, now change for me. Dance. Dance. Dance. I want you to feel that way. Like you have to change. You have to change because I was right. Now do what I want because I was right. I told you so. See. Because. Well. That’s how you made me feel. Today I bought one.

But who am I kidding. That isn’t the whole truth. You know that. I do want the best for you. Part of me does. Not to change you. Not to prove that I’m right. No. Part of the thought is real. It’s true. It’s a gift. Just for you. Because. Because I remember the sound of your voice when you first said my name, the first time we met, the first time I saw you. Because at that moment, I was buying a lottery ticket. The best one I ever bought. The odds were fixed. I knew it. I just knew it. We were going to win. We were going to win together. We were going to beat the odds. So I guess I’ve been a fool. All this time. I thought I already won. I didn’t. Today I bought one.

Congratulations. You were right. You can’t beat the odds. There is no hope. There are no lottery tickets. My hope did us harm. I knew the odds and I still believed. And here I am. Alone. Without you. Worse off than I was before. Now I need something new to hope for. Today I bought one.

I expected you to know me. I didn’t even know myself. I can’t even decide why I want to give you these winnings. These winnings that I haven’t won. I hope I can give them to be kind, but I fear it’s for revenge. Both are true, both are me. I’m full of fear and hope. I don’t know. I guess I thought that I’d know for certain. I thought I knew about us. I didn’t. Because you’re not here. I didn’t know about you. I didn’t know about me. Today I bought one.

No. I have to believe. That part of me wants to give it to you. It’s real. It’s true. It’s honest. It’s not revenge. It’s an apology. An apology for hoping. For wasting our time. For not becoming what you wanted me to be. The winnings are an apology. They’re a replacement for me. Because you can’t have me anymore. Today I bought one.